I’ve been miserable at work lately.
For a while I enjoyed the change of pace compared to my previous team: with the new team losing a good chunk of its people over the course of a few days right after I joined, things were a bit chaotic and that allowed me to work as little as I wanted. Given that I quickly realized I don’t care much for the team’s goals, that worked fine with me.
I found that I enjoy my time at work way much more when I’m not actually working. This includes, but is not limited to, casual meetings with colleagues, checking out my financial situation, or reading FI blogs.
Some days at the office, I ask myself: “hmm, why do I feel so depressed right now?”, only to realize I have been doing “actual work” for the past 15 minutes. That’s how miserable I’ve been.
I’ve been actively trying to evade any kind of responsibility to limit my amount of commitment to the job, and doing a great work at it so far. That’s not an attitude that’s rewarded in the company*, but I don’t really care as I’m really hoping I’ll be out within the next 12 months.
But whenever I chat with colleagues or friends, I’m growing more and more jealous of people who enjoy their work. It used to be me. Now I dislike the job so much that I’m wasting lots of energy trying to avoid it. I would probably do as well, if not better, redirecting this energy into sucking it up and doing the work, but the procrastination monster has just grown too strong.
I hear people talk about their next scrum task, or their team’s vision, or this year’s sales performance goals, as if they genuinely cared. The same is true with friends when they talk to me about the general status of “their” industry, or that one good friend who now moved to a team that’s “awesome and working on backend processes” or something. Dang, he used to complain about his job as much as I did. I guess he really had problems with his team. I have problems with the concept of corporate job in its entirety!
I just can’t find any of these topics interesting anymore, let alone topics that relate to my job or the industry surrounding it. I think I’ve finally become completely sick of the 9 to 5.
It’s the last mile. We need to start looking for a house to buy, and I need to stick to the job until we can secure a loan. I imagine we’re talking 12 months at the worst.
* Hopefully the system works fine here, and my performance review next year will actually reflect my poor performance. There would be nothing more sad, for me and my teammates, than me getting a stellar review even though I’m clearly not a “top performer” these days.